showing only Steph's quotes view all

Steph's Quotes #16-30:

Shortbread and whisky fudge.

how she plans on getting over the denial of being home from Scotland

Would you date a guy with kids?
Is this a theoretical question or a setup?
Hello, welcome to ME!!

on setups and Jennifer's boyfriend

Somebody take the copy machine away from that woman.
You could say something.
I'm reluctant to take the one thing away from her that she can enjoy in this place.

on whether to ask the vibrato whistler in the copyroom to stop

Sorry, I burped. Must be a faulty cardiac sphincter.
You're like the eructating horse.

after spending too much time writing and fact-checking medical conditions of horses. Cardiac sphincter=between the esophagus and stomach. Eructate=to belch.

Oh, that reminds me, I saw a man there with elephantitis.
Like, a real man? Or a skeleton?
We *were* in a museum, but he was definitely talking.

about a man with elephantitis

That was a pretty decent brat, considering it came from a shop full of marzipan porn.

about her lunch in Heidelberg, Germany, that came from a vendor that also sold marzipan candies shaped into whimsical animals doing what comes naturally (pigs, dogs, etc.).

I'm just wondering how you'd find this type of entertainment in the phone book for your party.
Just look up 'Crazy Scottish B&stards' and I'm sure you'll find them.

on how to get swordfighting Scotsmen in kilts to perform at your wedding or bar mitzvah

Um, you might want to do something about the West Nile virus in your back yard.

about a green, debris-filled pool of stagnant water

I heard a few sniffles back there.
I wasn't crying. I just whimpered a few times. There were no tears.
Admittedly, if you had cried, I would've laughed. I have a tendency to laugh when people cry.
And you wonder why you're still single?

at mile 95 of a 103-mile bike ride

Do you want to learn a horse fact?
No, sorry, I don't have time, I'm going back to school to get my Master's.

she thought she said "horseback"

I can't see their eyeballs, otherwise I could tell you.
I hope they can see our eyeballs.
They can.
You've worn a horse (fly) mask?
Yes, I've checked, they can see us pretty well.
I guess you've tasted horse feed then, too. How was it?
The molasses-y kind is surprisingly good....well, good, as far as horse feed goes.

on horse fly masks and horse feed at mile 145 on a bike tour

I manage to regret every decision I've ever made when I'm mowing the yard. It's not a happy time.

on mowing her yard and why there isn't a man doing it

Yeah, I think I missed a spot.

on the knee-high patch of grass in her front yard, as pointed out by Jennifer S.

It's like something that happens on 7th Heaven.

about breaking up with people via text message

Tear ducts are not made for pasta.

about gross party tricks
 
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Human?